Sharing Letter to Family

Today I was searching for something in my household files and ran across a 'letter to my family' that I wrote and distributed to each of my family members, including my husband, a while back. The letter was meant to get my point across to them that I was overwhelmed and tired of doing most all of the housework, and I set down some rules in it. As I read it again, I realized that a lot of mothers may benefit from a letter like this one, as it took me quite a while to write it. In fact, it took me a couple of days to get it written, in between all the chores and daily activity around here. So, in thinking about all of you mothers who are in the same boat that would like to write something similar to your own family members, I am pasting the letter in it's entirety here.



Keep in mind that some parts of the letter may be of no use to you, I am a homeschooling mom with an energy problem that I take B-12 shots for, and it is mentioned in the letter (sympathy ploy LOL, however, true). So, you may wish to re-word parts of it or delete or add to it. Feel free to copy and paste the letter into Microsoft Word or your word processor and make changes according to your own needs.



In giving credit where credit is due, some of my ideas or rules, as well as the "Weekly Blessing Hour" comes from a web site called Flylady.net. Lots of useful tips and things here for gaining control of your home, clean-wise, that is. LOL In other words, a lot of useful organizational things and tips on delegating responsibility of household duties, as well as a lot of other topics.

Here is the letter:


Dear Family:

I was getting ready to vacuum today, and I thought “why should I vacuum when everybody else is doing something fun today?” Then I thought about it all, and decided that I’m going to delegate some jobs. This is my ‘memo’ to all family members. Maybe that got a laugh, maybe not. But I’m being serious. I’ve been wanting to have a sort of family meeting, to get some things straight and to tell everyone some things.
First of all, I am a mother, NOT A MAID. I am to be respected, and I am demanding respect. Second of all, yes, you each do a little to help here and there, and I’d like to take this opportunity to let you know that I do appreciate that, but I still feel like I’m doing more than my fair share, and my fair share is way more than any of you because I am the Mom here. But, it is my job to teach you, not to clean up after you all the time. Yes, I have to do my part around here too, but I am not supposed to do it all when you have been taught how to do it and are perfectly capable, and I won’t do it all.
I am a homemaker, mother, and wife. But above all of that, I am a PERSON. I have feelings, and dreams, and there are things I like to do, just like you all like to have fun doing things you like to do. I don’t do hardly anything that I like to do anymore though. I have no time to do them, and when I think about doing them, I look around at all the things I HAVE to do, and I do what I have to. I have made a pretty nice home for you all, and I’d like to keep it that way. I take pride in my home and my family, and lately I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed again, and then I get mad. Like I said, I look around, and I see things that need to be done, and I don’t mind doing some housework, but I DO mind doing ALL of it. I get mad because I don’t have little toddlers anymore that make a mess that I have to clean up because they don’t know how to or aren’t big enough to. The youngest person here is as big as I am now, so yes, I get mad when I see messes that are left for me to clean up. If I don’t clean them up, they sit longer than I can stand for them to, or they don’t get cleaned up. Respect me as a person, not just as your mother, but as another human being that has wants and needs of her own. I do not intend to come across as being ‘selfish or self-centered’, but I AM a person who needs to do more than clean house and do the household chores.
I have let a lot go, because I can’t and won’t do everything. If I start to vacuum, my mind races about the dusting, then about getting the bathroom cleaned, then about cleaning out the fridge, and so on. My mind works that way. Then I get overwhelmed and then mad because nobody bothers doing anything. Even if I do start cleaning, nobody chips in to do anything unless I specifically TELL them to. So sometimes I just don’t do anything myself, because I know I will work all day, going from room to room, while everyone else is doing “their thing.”
It’s just not right for one person to do most of everything. I look at my bathroom, and I think “I’m not the only one that uses it”. Then I look at my kitchen, and I think “I’m not the only one that uses it, and I put MY dish in the dishwasher” and then I go to straightening a counter, or shoes in the entryway, or picking up pillows out of the floor, and I think “I didn’t put this here, these aren’t my shoes, WHO put the pillows in the floor again for them to get dirty?”
So don’t you think I get mad? This is MY house. I mean, it’s OUR home, but if it is dirty or cluttered, I am the one that looks bad. One way or the other, I am a bad housekeeper, or I am a bad mother for not making anyone else do anything and I must not have taught my children very well. So, since I know I’m not either one of those, everybody is going to stop making me look like I am one of those. I am tired of not saying anything, keeping my mouth shut because I might hurt somebody’s feelings.
When I started home schooling, I delegated responsibilities to everyone else, because the things I did during the day when you guys were in public school were not going to get done if I didn’t get some help. It is overwhelming to try to home school AND do everything I had done all along.
Do you guys realize what has to be done around here? Schooling, dinner, laundry (sorting, washing, folding, put away), dishes, vacuuming, dusting, straightening, mopping, clean windows, doors, commodes, showers, mirrors, dog bathing, dog feeding, bill paying, errand running, porch sweeping, curtain washing, wipe down inside and outside doors , clean shelves over windows, clean blinds, fans, grocery shop, plan meals, cook meals, and just try to keep my sanity.
Not to mention all other wifely and motherly duties. Everyone wants my attention or to spend time with me, everyone needs me at some point, and that it not a chore to me, but it is hard to balance everything. Going for a walk or playing a board game, watching a movie together, etc. is har to fit in and can be tiresome when I’m worn out from the chores. Sometimes I just don’t want to THINK about anything.
I’m not going to lose my mind though, as I said before, this is MY house, and everyone is going to do their part to keep it clean. I stay tired a lot. You all know I take the shots for my low blood count, sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t. What they never do though, is make me Superwoman. I can’t do it all, and it wouldn’t be fair for me to have to if I was Superwoman. I’m NOT trying to lay a guilt trip on anyone, I’m NOT sick, I AM as able bodied as you all are to do the things that need done. Yes, I do have some back trouble and something is wrong with my arms right now, but I still carry and lift anyhow.
I take pride in my house, but lately I haven’t been feeling very prideful. Everyone knows (or needs to know) that I keep a clean and neat house. Now WE are going to keep a clean house. I’m through with cleaning up after everyone else.
A WEEKLY HOME BLESSING hour, is one hour that you will spend cleaning the FAMILY HOME, with the family working as a team. A Weekly Home Blessing blesses the entire family with more time for each member to do what they want to do (free time), and the family will have more time to do fun things together as a family. It also brings a closeness into the family, which is how God intended families to be. He intended for families to work together, as a team. Mom and Dad teach, then delegate as we work alongside each other. He did not intend for ONE member of the family to bear most of the house work. It would not be fair a family member came to you and told you that YOU had to do ALL of the house work from now on, while everyone else had THEIR free time, now would it? Think of everyone else’s feelings and do the right thing….DO YOU’RE PART as a team member!!
This is they way it will be, THE RULES OF THE HOUSE:
1) I don’t expect a perfect house, but I do expect it to be ‘company ready’ all the time. If somebody shows up, I better not be ashamed of it in any way. That goes for bedrooms, too. Yes, they are YOUR private spaces, but they are in MY house and they will look like they are a part of MY house. Make the bed and keep it the room straight!
2) The same goes for the bathroom, it better not smell like a gas station bathroom or be left looking like one. If you get water in the floor, DRY IT UP. Rinse the shower, close the curtain so that it dries without mildewing. Make sure the toilet and sink are as clean AFTER you use it was it was BEFORE you used it, that way no one can blame you when the bathroom isn’t clean. Wipe your hair, toothpaste, shaving cream, etc. off of counter, out of the shower, and rinse sink and wipe the faucets.
Also, you all need to only use the hamper for towels and washcloths. It seems to me that everyone could put their dirty laundry in a basket in their own rooms, just carry it to your room after you shower, when the basket is full then do your laundry! This would help to stop a lot of hassle over nobody wanting to ‘touch’ other people’s dirty underwear, etc. If you wash your own towels, do your own washcloths, too. It’s not fair to not want to ‘touch’ anyone else’s dirty stuff and then expect someone else to want to touch your’s! More on laundry later.
3) You’ve heard the rule “If you drop it, pick it up”, my rule is “If you leave something lying around, you pick it up or I throw it away. Your choice.”
4) If you make a mess in the kitchen, you clean it up. Crumbs, dishes, whatever it is, needs to be cleaned up. If you cook, clean up after yourself. When I cook, I DO clean up after myself AS I cook. When I cook for the family, the family can help clean up the dishes, etc. If someone else cooks for the family, the family will help clean up, too, but if you make a mess along the way, YOU clean that part up, don‘t expect someone else to clean up after a messy cook.
If you use just one bowl or dish and the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, do NOT just put your dish in the sink for someone else to wash or put in the dishwasher. Either take the time to unload the dishwasher, or wash the dish!
5) If you see that something needs to be picked up or cleaned up, then do it. Help each other out, don’t leave things for ME to end up picking up because YOU didn’t do it or leave it. Look around and straighten things up if they need it.
7) Pick a day or time to do your laundry. I will take care of my laundry and Dad’s laundry, and I do not mind helping you out to get your’s done sometimes, as long as you are doing your part around here and you are going to work, or are busy with necessary activities, but you need to keep up with your own laundry most of the time. Otherwise, if I do your laundry AND all of the towels, I expect you to help do everybody else’s too. At least take it to the laundry room before it is a huge load or loads, and take the bathroom laundry and sort it before it mildews! Stop cramming the laundry in the hamper until it’s about to burst. AND when you do your laundry, YOU make sure you will be around to put it in the dryer, get it out, fold it, and put it away. When I need to do laundry I don’t want to have to do all of this to get it out of my way.

8) If you see somebody else leave a mess, ask them nicely to clean it up. If they don’t do it right away, then walk away. It is not your job to make them. It is mine and I will take care of it in MY OWN TIME and IN MY OWN WAY.
I know that work schedules might be hard to work around, but everyone is going to clean up after him/herself here and help out when you can.
9) Everybody will have a room assigned to them to monitor and clean. This is your zone, if it needs dusting on Tuesday, don’t wait until Saturday to do it if you have a few minutes NOW. Same goes for sweeping or vacuuming. If everybody takes care of their own zone, and their bedrooms, then we are working together, T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R to make our home peaceful and clean.
Just a note about delegating jobs to someone else: This is allowed, BUT, if you are working or busy and you delegate YOUR jobs to somebody else, YOU are going to pay them. Meaning, if you ask the younger kids to clean the bathroom or take a job that YOU are supposed to do, then YOU need to be the one to reward them for doing it somehow, or trade jobs and STICK TO YOUR WORD. Each of these are to be negotiated and agreed upon between the two of you. If one does not agree to the other’s requirements, do not start an argument or involve ME, if an agreement can’t be reached, do the job yourself! You waste time that could be used to just do the job when you argue.
10) Always keep two things in mind: 1- Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and, just as important, 2-IF MOMMA AIN’T HAPPY, AIN’T NOBODY HAPPY!!
Love you all,
Mom